STAND IN THE SUN

About the first of August every year, I start to get this antsy feeling and I never seem to remember why. Then today rolls around. August 12th. To most, it's just a normal day. But for me, it's something far beyond ordinary.

Today marks 12 years since I told the world the biggest secret I had ever kept. A secret I had held with me for 18 years. A secret that once told, would forever change my life. On August 12th, 2009, at around 1:15pm, I busted down the closet door that had held me captive. A door that was so heavy. Heavy with shame, fear, and confusion.

"I'm gay." Two small words that would completely alter the way I was viewed by so many. Something that was so innate within me, yet that seemed so foreign and wrong. It was something that others would use to define me, to stereotype me, and put me in a category to help them deal with something they couldn't comprehend.

At the time, it was still something I didn't understand. I couldn't fathom why I felt the way I did. All I knew was it wasn't something I could change, or would if I could. My sexuality was just a small piece in the greater puzzle that makes up who I am and the person I long to be. It accounts for just one of the thousands of things you may or may not know about me, and most importantly, it's not all that I am.

A lot of things have happened in these last twelve years. Love, heartache, and the struggle to find exactly where I belonged. Time has a way of mending things. It also has a way of showing you the things that truly matter. People really show you their true colors when you don't fit the mold they expect you to. And when they show those colors, don't forget them. From friends to family, I have had to deal with some walking out of my life. I've also been blessed to see a lot them walk back in, along with far more than I ever lost. RuPaul says, "As gay people, we get to choose our family." And I believe that to be one of the truest statements ever made. Whether it be god or fate, I have people who have shown up just when I needed them most. People who have changed and, honestly, sometimes saved my life.

Even with all of the trials and struggles I've been through, and continue to go through, I wouldn't change it for anything. I've been through the dark times. Times where I struggled, wondering if the pain was worth it. Times where I’ve thought and attempted to remove myself from a world where I felt unloved and unlovable. The weight of judgement and persecution isn't something one person can carry alone. I finally realized I am a part of a community and family that sees love as love, strives to promote it everyday, and never lets anyone carry that unbearable weight alone.

My story of rejection and pain isn't different from a chorus of LGBTQIA+ kids who have come out. The one thing that makes it special? It's mine. I get to hold the key to it. I get to tell the story and direct the narrative. No one could have opened that closet door for me, what seems like a lifetime ago. I had to do it myself. I had to face the fear inside of me before I could face the world. With all I've been through, I hope I can share my story and it helps just one person get through their tough times. As cliche and overused as the phrase is, it really does get better. It takes time, but it does. Life will seem really dark at moments, so dark you'll wonder if you'll ever stand in the sun again. I promise you will.

Best today and a better tomorrow,

Jake Michael